For all you esoteric mystic readers, we are going to talk about something terrifying. Something that will send chills down your spine and make you cry profusely while you call your mother for help. Two words: Mercury retrograde.
I don’t know aaaanything about astrology but I sure have fun reading about it and reading as many horoscopes as possible and not understanding a word written (I’m looking at you, Mia Astral). I only know that I am a Capricorn and my ascendant is Leo and this makes me a very intense person, but we already know that.
Why did poor Mercury carry the burden of making the world so unhappy is beyond me, but it seems that when things are tough or you’re just having a crappy day, blaming it on Mercury retrograde makes it easier to accept one’s misery. Mercury gives us hope that when it’s done retrograding and putting our whole lives upside down things will be better. He gives us a little light at the end of the tunnel.
So many people truly believe in astrology and use it as some form of therapy that you can’t help but wonder if maybe the stars and planets do have something to do with how we are for the rest of our lives. I’m not talking about the astrologists that wear big beige capes and go on TV to read tarot cards and whatnot. I mean it in a Hercules-type way that when the planets align ever so nicely the titans will be free and Hades will rule all! kind of way.
Just for kicks and to be completely ridiculous, I am going to write a horoscope with suggestions of which movies you should watch this week.
You are such a fiery being; I can’t get enough of you! What I’m seeing is that you’re a bit all over the place and that you need to find your center and go with it. Let’s tone it down for you, Aries, and watch Pocahontas or The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
You’ve had some difficulties this past month but you’ve taken them like a champion. When you have your eyes set on a goal you’re unstoppable. Good for you Taurus! To keep that momentum and to kick Mercury retrograde in the nuts, you should watch the Mighty Ducks trilogy.
You’ve been particularly bipolar these past days, my lovely Gemini. You need to understand that not many people enjoy having to live with a creature that changes their mood more often than their change of underwear. You need to embrace your versatility and remember what it was like when things were simpler. Your pick of the week is The Parent Trap with Lindsay Lohan before she became a Botox-filled train wreck.
You’ve been a little too emotional these days and you’re scaring people around you. It’s like you’ve had PMS for a long time. Do yourself a favor and watch some movie where there are a lot of explosions and superheroes. Try The Avengers or X-Men: Days of Future Past.
Leo, you’re looking fabulous these days. You’re beating them off with a stick! Congratulations to you and big feline weave! People are jealous of you and your style and you need to calm the eff down because you are a little bit annoying. Enjoy the simple things in life, watch 10 Things I Hate About You and reminisce about how Patrick Verona ruined men for you. Nobody will ever buy you a guitar.
Young Virgo, you are in need of an eye opener movie. You have a hidden love that is waiting to come to the light but that will only happen if you let yourself be changed by passionate, insatiable love. You should watch The Phantom of the Opera at the Royal Albert Hall to intensify yourself.
This week is perfect for you to evaluate launching your own lingerie brand. If you really want to know more about female empowerment watch Legally Blonde or Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s On The Run Tour. You won’t be disappointed.
Scorpio, you need to stop having sex and start looking where you’re going. Stop watching Maroon 5’s “Animals” video. You need to prioritize again because you’ll go nowhere if you keep going down this path of impurities and satanic rituals. The new season of Downton Abbey is my recommendation so that you get back on your horse and have some tea.
You may feel you’re stuck in a rut or that you’re waiting for something magnificent to happen but it’s not coming anytime soon. Sometimes you have the keys to your own empowerment. You should be all intense this week so you need to see Into the Wild and spend serious nature time.
Hello beloved Cap. You are awesome, you fighting goat, you. You should binge-watch all the series that you’ve left hanging because you’ve been too busy working and sleeping. Remember how good it felt after you saw the first two seasons of Homeland in a day and a half? It’s time to do that again.
It’s time to kick those fall leaves and start having some fun! Stop wondering by life is the way it is and just enjoy what comes for you. Your cinematic homework is to watch a fantastic 00’s classic: The Girl Next Door. Will the juice be worth the squeeze?
You’re so emotional sometimes Pisces that I don’t know what to do with you. You deserve to treat yo’ self and forget about those hater non-believers. Don’t take everything so seriously and remember that miracles happen once in a while when you believe. You are going to watch both The Princess Diaries movies.
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